Where no police spy has gone
Lock me up, Scottie!
By DUKE O. ERLE
The Washington Times reported August 18 that NASA is working with the U.S. Transportation Security Administration to develop non-invasive neuro-electric sensors to be placed in airport screening gates to pick up the electrical signals that our hearts and brains are constantly transmitting.
If the sensors work as hoped, they would function as a "super lie detector" able to discriminate between the fluttering of the merely nervous and that of people who are thinking bad thoughts. The data gathered would be integrated with other data flight itinerary, method of payment, credit history, etc. and fed into the Computer-aided Passenger Pre-screening system (CAPPS) with its "threat-assessment software." Passengers who set off alarms would presumably be taken aside for a thorough security work-up.
That's only one of four Passenger Security projects NASA is currently undertaking. The other three have yet to be publicly disclosed. What could they be? Although this announcement might be premature, the Duke O. Erle International Consulting Agency, Inc., would like you to know that we also have several projects underway. Conservatives and National Security Libertarians will celebrate as the high quality of our products demonstrates once and for all the superiority of Market-oriented Anti-terrorism Initiatives over Socialistic Government Science. Three cheers for contracting-out!
(1) Too many resources and too much emphasis are being placed on passenger/baggage screening. We need to move on to the next phase, universal deployment of the Erle AirCarton (patent soon to be applied for). The Erle AirCarton is a cylindrical tube that can be configured to hold 100 passengers or two Medium Battle Tanks. Four of the Erle AirCartons will snap onto the frame of a specially designed 747 in the same way as four D Cell batteries in a flashlight. In the passenger configuration, the bottom half will hold baggage beneath a specially reinforced floor. If an explosive device deploys in the hold area, the blast effect will be directed away from the passenger module and the plane.
The passenger module will be completely self-contained, with food, drink, and sanitary facilities. Once airborne, there will be no communication between the module and the flight crew or the outside world. If, when airborne, the flight crew has reason to believe that something in the passenger module or the hold area poses a danger to the aircraft, the pilot can simply jettison the Erle AirCarton. Airfoils and drogue parachutes will activate to slow the descent and an eraser-like airbag will provide a semi-soft landing, allowing for a moderately high survival rate. The doors will remain locked, of course, until the federal SWAT team arrives to arrest any miscreants who are still breathing.
(2) The Erle Remote Lie Detector (ERLD). The polygraph has been around for more than 60 years, and its results have never been deemed acceptable in courts of law. It has been a useful tool for law enforcement agencies, though, allowing them to browbeat suspects with its "unquestionable" findings while further interrogating them. Recent inventions such as the voice analyzer and the psychological stress evaluator have failed to capture the public imagination. The ERLD (currently in development) will combine all of these technologies, as well as new methods of measuring stomach acid and bloat, to arrive at scientifically irrefutable results which our legal staff assures us will pass muster with the mavens of the courts. The ERLD can be employed remotely and non-invasively so that the suspect will not be aware of the test. More-traditional agencies might want to consider the Model #2 ERLD, which uses the same technology but comes with a specially designed chair rigged with unpleasant light, sound, and radio waves. The chair can also be programmed to emit the smell of burning flesh. Radical times require radical solutions.
(3) The Erle Remote Residence Sensing Device (ERRS). ERRS is a portable package suitable for van operations. It can read emanations from a residence 100 feet away, at curbside. The results of ERRS (under development) do not meet the scientifically rigorous standards of the ERLD, but should at least provide probable cause for a search warrant. (In keeping with the times, probable cause is becoming ever less probable.) The ERRS will pick up HUMINTEL from inside a building and will differentiate between good and bad vibrations emanating from the inhabitants.
Price lists will be e-mailed to interested parties as soon as these products become available.
August 23, 2002
© 2002 by WTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.
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