David T. Wright on the State of the Union address for 2005

www.thornwalker.com/ditch/dtw_sotu_05.htm

This document resource is a
Special Civics Guide
recommended by the TLD Task Force
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in the State Training Centers.

February 10, 2005

The Emperor translated

The State of the Union address for 2005

By DAVID T. WRIGHT

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I couldn't actually bring myself to watch the State of the Empire address. Frankly, I'd rather be strapped to my chair — like Alex in "A Clockwork Orange" — and forced to watch Pauly Shore movies. Or be dragged naked over broken glass. Take your pick.

However, Strakon insisted that I do my best to illuminate the garglings of the Chimp-in-Chief, so I did the next best thing. I downloaded a transcript.

After many painful hours and an entire fifth of Jack Daniel's, I have succeeded in translating Bush's committee-fabricated hypertrophied politispeak into normal, everyday English. Herewith are the fruits of my agonized efforts:

PRESIDENT BUSH: Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, fellow citizens, as a new Congress gathers, all of us in the elected branches of government share a great privilege. We've been placed in office by the votes of the people we serve. And tonight, that is a privilege we share with newly elected leaders of Afghanistan, the Palestinian territories, Ukraine, and a free and sovereign Iraq. (Cheers, applause.)

Translation: Being elected means never having to say you're sorry. Except if you're an official in one of our free and sovereign protectorates, in which case you'd better toe the line. As for the Ukrainians, so what if we made them do their election over to get the result we wanted. They got to vote, didn't they? Twice!

Two weeks ago I stood on the steps of this Capitol and renewed the commitment of our nation to the guiding ideal of liberty for all. This evening I will set forth policies to advance that ideal at home and around the world. Tonight, with a healthy, growing economy, with more Americans going back to work, with our nation an active force for good in the world, the state of our Union is confident and strong. (Applause.)

Things are going to hell in a hand basket in Iraq, so it's time to direct the sheeple's attention elsewhere.

Our generation has been blessed by the expansion of opportunity, by advances in medicine, by the security purchased by our parents' sacrifice. Now, as we see a little gray in the mirror — or a lot of gray (laughter) — and we watch our children moving into adulthood, we ask the question, what will be the state of their Union? Members of Congress, the choices we make together will answer that question. Over the next several months, on issue after issue, let us do what Americans have always done and build a better world for our children and our grandchildren. (Applause.)

Put in some lofty-sounding bull hockey here. "Build a better world" — a-heh a-heh a-heh. Good one. Breaks me up.

First, we must be good stewards of [tyrants over] this economy and renew the great institutions on which millions of our fellow citizens rely. America's economy is the fastest growing of any major industrialized nation.

The European Union and Japan are in even worse economic shape than the United States, so we look good in comparison.

In the past four years we've provided tax relief to every person who pays income taxes, overcome a recession, opened up new markets abroad, prosecuted corporate criminals, raised home-ownership to its highest level in history, and in the last year alone the United States has added 2.3 million new jobs. (Cheers, applause.)

Come up with some rhetoric that mixes together government actions with the achievements of productive members of society, so that the people will think that those achievements are because of our regime. And let's hope the collapse comes after 2008.

When action was needed, the Congress delivered, and the nation is grateful. Now we must add to these achievements. By making our economy more flexible, more innovative, and more competitive, we will keep America the economic leader of the world. (Applause.)

We can't just sit on our hands while the economy goes down the toilet. We've got to look as if we're doing something! And pay back some favors to our business friends while we're at it.

America's prosperity requires restraining the spending appetite of the federal government. I welcome the bipartisan enthusiasm for spending discipline.

The Empire's prosperity requires the unrestrained expansion of the federal government. I welcome the bipartisan enthusiasm for pork-barrel legislation, log-rolling, and hiding expenditures through "off-budget" items and other legerdemain.

I will send you a budget that holds the growth of discretionary spending below inflation, makes tax relief permanent, and stays on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009. (Applause.)

I will send you a budget that shuffles funds around, expands spending even more — especially for the secret police and other "security" interests — and doesn't even mention the mushrooming expenses of the War on the Iraqis. By the time 2009 rolls around, I'll be retired and my successor can take the flak.

My budget substantially reduces or eliminates more than 150 government programs that are not getting results or duplicate current efforts or do not fulfill essential priorities.

My budget substantially reduces or eliminates a bunch of programs that help our political enemies, or at least people who don't contribute enough to our campaigns.

The principle here is clear: Taxpayer dollars must be spent wisely or not at all. (Applause.)

And as the most profligate spender since Franklin Roosevelt, I know what I'm talking about!

To make our economy stronger and more dynamic, we must prepare a rising generation to fill the jobs of the 21st century.

Workers today are so ignorant and stupid that my Big Business buddies are starting to complain.

Under the No Child Left Behind Act [1], standards are higher, test scores are on the rise, and we're closing the achievement gap for minority students. Now we must demand better results from our high schools so every high school diploma is a ticket to success.

Public schools continue to turn out barely literate little savages. But what do we care? None of our kids will ever have to go to one of those public-school hellholes. And why should we want the voters to be capable of thinking for themselves?

We will help an additional 200,000 workers to get training for a better career by reforming our job training system and strengthening America's community colleges. And we will make it easier for Americans to afford a college education by increasing the size of Pell grants. (Applause.)

Is this a great country, or what? In one breath I pledge to cut back on useless, wasteful programs, and in the next I pledge even more useless, wasteful programs! And nobody calls me on it!

To make our economy stronger and more competitive, America must reward, not punish, the efforts and dreams of entrepreneurs. Small business is the path of advancement, especially for women and minorities. So we must free small businesses from needless regulation and protect honest job creators from junk lawsuits. (Applause.)

We need to put in some soothing verbiage for the small businessmen. As if I'd really go out of my way for them. After all, where else are they going to go? The Democrats?

Justice is distorted and our economy is held back by irresponsible class actions and frivolous asbestos claims, and I urge Congress to pass legal reforms this year. (Applause.)

The trial lawyers didn't give me as much money as my pals in Big Business.

To make our economy stronger and more productive, we must make health care more affordable and give families greater access to good coverage (applause), and more control over their health decisions. (Applause.)

The proles are getting restless about rising health-care costs, and we've got to co-opt the Democrats on the issue.

I ask Congress to move forward on a comprehensive health care agenda with tax credits to help low-income workers buy insurance, a community health center in every poor county, improved information technology to prevent medical error and needless costs, association health plans for small business and their employees (cheers, applause), expanded health savings accounts (cheers, applause), and medical liability reform that will reduce health care costs and make sure patients have the doctors and care they need. (Cheers, applause.)

OK. You know and I know that any new legislation will only make the health-care mess worse and raise costs, not to mention the deficit. But we've got to look as though we're doing something, and besides, it's a good way to expand state power and take the initiative away from the Democrats.

To keep our economy growing, we also need reliable supplies of affordable, environmentally responsible energy. (Cheers, applause.) Nearly four years ago, I submitted a comprehensive energy strategy that encourages conservation, alternative sources, a modernized electricity grid, and more production here at home, including safe, clean nuclear energy. (Applause.)

Nearly four years ago I submitted a mishmash of special-interest "energy" legislation, knowing full well that most of it wouldn't go anywhere, and that even if it did, it would be about as helpful as a paraplegic in a hockey game.

My Clear Skies legislation will cut power plant pollution and improve the health of our citizens. (Applause.) And my budget provides strong funding for leading-edge technology, from hydrogen-fueled cars to clean coal to renewable sources such as ethanol. (Applause.) Four years of debate is enough! (Cheers.) I urge Congress to pass legislation that makes America more secure and less dependent on foreign energy. (Cheers, applause.)

Actually, hydrogen-fueled cars are a pipe dream, because to make hydrogen you have to use electricity to split water into its component atoms, and that takes more energy than simply running a car on gasoline. Besides, who wants to drive a vehicle carrying a tank of hydrogen at 2000 psi? Does the name Hindenburg ring a bell? As for ethanol, the only way to make it feasible is to subsidize it heavily. But who cares, as long as it keeps the farmers happy?

All these proposals are essential to expand this economy and add new jobs, but they are just the beginning of our duty. To build the prosperity of future generations, we must update institutions that were created to meet the needs of an earlier time.

Starting with the Bill of Rights.

Year after year, Americans are burdened by an archaic, incoherent federal tax code. I've appointed a bipartisan panel to examine the tax code from top to bottom. And when the recommendations are delivered, you and I will work together to give this nation a tax code that is pro-growth, easy to understand, and fair to all. (Applause.)

Throw in the usual tax-reform blather, and add one of those ridiculous "bipartisan commissions" that's designed to make a lot of noise and accomplish nothing.

America's immigration system is also outdated, unsuited to the needs of our economy [more cheap labor!] and to the values of our country. We should not be content with laws that punish hard-working people who want only to provide for their families (scattered applause) and deny businesses willing workers [cheap labor!] and invite chaos at our border. It is time for an immigration policy that permits temporary guest workers to fill jobs Americans will not take, that rejects amnesty, that tells us who is entering and leaving our country, and that closes the border to drug dealers and terrorists. (Applause.)

Nothing of substance will ever be done to address the illegal-immigration issue, because too many important business interests and special-interest groups like things exactly the way they are.

One of America's most important institutions, a symbol of the trust between generations, is also in need of wise and effective reform. Social Security was a great moral success of the 20th century, and we must honor its great purposes in this new century. (Applause.)

And I can get away with calling myself a conservative! Is this a great country ...

The system, however, on its current path, is headed toward bankruptcy, and so we must join together to strengthen and save Social Security. (Cheers, applause.)

Today, more than 45 million Americans receive Social Security benefits, and millions more are nearing retirement. And for them, the system is strong and fiscally sound. I have a message for every American who is 55 or older: Do not let anyone mislead you. For you, the Social Security system will not change in any way. (Applause.)

You'll be able to suck at the Central Government teat at the expense of everybody else, just as you planned.

For younger workers, the Social Security system has serious problems that will grow worse with time.

You're going to be spending your golden years working as Walmart greeters and McDonald's counter employees, and nothing I'm proposing will change that. But I won't be around to take the blame.

Social Security was created decades ago, for a very different era. In those days people didn't live as long, benefits were much lower than they are today, and a half century ago, about 16 workers paid into the system for each person drawing benefits. Our society has changed in ways the founders of Social Security could not have foreseen.

The founders of Social Security couldn't see into the future, but I can. I'm doing God's work, so everything I do will have the best possible outcome.

In today's world, people are living longer, and therefore drawing benefits longer [though we're hoping our foreign policy and the rising tax burden will put a stop to that] — and those benefits are scheduled to rise dramatically over the next few decades. (Scattered applause.) And instead of 16 workers paying in for every beneficiary, right now it's only about three workers. And over the next few decades, that number will fall to just two workers per beneficiary. With each passing year, fewer workers are paying ever-higher benefits to an ever-larger number of retirees.

Just give me a few simple numbers so I look like I know what I'm talking about.

So here is the result. Thirteen years from now, in 2018, Social Security will be paying out more than it takes in. And every year afterward will bring a new shortfall, bigger than the year before. For example, in the year 2027, the government will somehow have to come up with an extra $200 billion to keep the system afloat.

I said a few numbers. Whaddaya think I am, some kinda egghead?

And by 2033, the annual shortfall would be more than $300 billion. By the year 2042, the entire system would be exhausted and bankrupt. (Noes are heard.) If steps are not taken to avert that outcome, the only solutions would be dramatically higher taxes, massive new borrowing, or sudden and severe cuts in Social Security benefits or other government programs. [2] (Noes are heard. [3])

Make it sound as if I care.

I recognize that 2018 and 2042 may seem a long way off [I think Americans have the mentality of 9-year-olds], but those dates aren't so distant, as any parent will tell you. If you have a five-year-old, you're already concerned about how you'll pay for college tuition 13 years down the road. If you've got children in their 20s, as some of us do, the idea of Social Security collapsing before they retire does not seem like a small matter. And it should not be a small matter to the United States Congress. (Cheers, applause.)

This is gonna work like gangbusters. If we play this right, we can get the whole country arguing about Social Security, and nobody will be looking at Iraq.

You and I share a responsibility. We must pass reforms that solve the financial problems of Social Security once and for all.

We must pass reforms that will make it look as if we've accomplished something, so that the whole mess implodes when we're all safely retired or dead.

Fixing Social Security permanently will require an open, candid review of the options. Some have suggested limiting benefits for wealthy retirees. Former Congressman Tim Penny has raised the possibility of indexing benefits to prices rather than wages. [That way, we can squeeze benefits by fiddling the Consumer Price Index even more than we do now] During the 1990s, my predecessor, President Clinton [4], spoke of increasing the retirement age. [Just bring your oxygen bottle to work with you!] Former Senator John Breaux suggested discouraging early collection of Social Security benefits. [Work 'til you drop. And keep on smoking cigarettes so you die sooner and pay more taxes.] The late Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan recommended changing the way benefits are calculated. [You can live on cat food, if you really have to!]

Throw in a bunch of references to liberal Democrats. It'll tick off the Dems and make the proles think I'm sincere.

All these ideas are on the table. I know that none of these reforms would be easy. But we have to move ahead with courage and honesty, because our children's retirement security is more important than partisan politics. (Applause.)

Nothing is more important than partisan politics. Besides, my children have nothing to worry about when it comes to retirement.

I will work with members of Congress to find the most effective combination of reforms. I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer. (Cheers, applause.)

I don't have a clue about what to do.

We must, however, be guided by some basic principles. We must make Social Security permanently sound, not leave that task for another day.

Keep a straight face. Keep a straight face.

We must not jeopardize our economic strength by increasing payroll taxes.

We must find yet another way to stick it to the taxpayers and tell them it's good for them.

We must ensure that lower-income Americans get the help they need to have dignity and peace of mind in their retirement.

See?! I'm compassionate.

We must guarantee that there is no change for those now retired or nearing retirement. And we must take care that any changes in the system are gradual, so younger workers have years to prepare and plan for their future.

We must turn water into wine, dross into gold, and delay the inevitable disaster until I'm safely retired from public life.

As we fix Social Security, we also have the responsibility to make the system a better deal for younger workers, and the best way to reach that goal is through voluntary personal retirement accounts. (Applause.)

As we patch together another jerry-built, smoke-and-mirrors "solution," we need to give younger workers the illusion that they have some control over their own futures. Hopefully, we can fool all those post-Baby Boomers — who've caught on to the fact that they're going to be shafted by Social Security — into thinking we're saving their retirement bacon. If we do that, the Republicans will enjoy their fealty for a long time. Roosevelt's New Deal taught us how to create untold millions of state clients, generation after generation.

Here's how the idea works. Right now, a set portion of the money you earn is taken out of [stolen from] your paycheck to pay for the Social Security benefits of today's retirees. If you are a younger worker, I believe you should be able to set aside part of that money in your own retirement account, so you can build a nest egg for your own future.

Forget about lowering taxes and letting people just keep more of their own money. No point in allowing them to get the idea that they don't need Big Brother.

Here is why personal accounts are a better deal. Your money will grow, over time, at a greater rate than anything the current system can deliver, and your account will provide money for retirement over and above the check you will receive from Social Security. In addition, you'll be able to pass along the money that accumulates in your personal account, if you wish, to your children and — or grandchildren. And best of all, the money in the account is yours, and the government can never take it away. (Cheers, applause.)

And if you believe that, I have some prime real estate in Death Valley I'd like to sell you.

The goal here is greater security in retirement, so we will set careful guidelines for personal accounts. We will make sure the money can only go into a conservative mix of bonds and stock funds. We will make sure that your earnings are not eaten up by hidden Wall Street fees. We will make sure there are good options to protect your investments from sudden market swings on the eve of your retirement.

Did I just say the money is going to be yours? It will. It's just that we'll tell you what you can and can't do with it!

We'll make sure a personal account cannot be emptied out all at once, but rather paid out over time, as an addition to traditional Social Security benefits. [Why should we allow you to do what you want with your money? You little dimwits might do something with it we didn't like!] And we will make sure this plan is fiscally responsible, by starting personal retirement accounts gradually, and raising the yearly limits on contributions over time, eventually permitting all workers to set aside 4 percentage points of their payroll taxes in their accounts. [Four whole percentage points! You'll be rich!]

Personal retirement accounts should be familiar to federal employees because you already have something similar called the Thrift Savings Plan, which lets workers deposit a portion of their paychecks into any of five different broadly based investment funds. It's time to extend the same security, and choice, and ownership to young Americans. (Cheers, applause.)

Remember, ownership means what the government tells you it means!

Our second great responsibility to our children and grandchildren is to honor and to pass along the values that sustain a free society. So many of my generation, after a long journey [I'm an old alky and stoner], have come home to family and faith and are determined to bring up responsible, moral children. Government is not the source of these values, but government should never undermine them.

Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be redefined by activist judges. For the good of families, children and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage. (Cheers, applause.)

Hey, it doesn't cost me anything, and it'll keep those "family values" psychos happy.

Because a society is measured by how it treats the weak and vulnerable, we must strive to build a culture of life.

Of course, this doesn't apply to ragheads and other subhuman scum, who deserve to live only if they do what we tell them to.

Medical research can help us reach that goal by developing treatments and cures that save lives and help people overcome disabilities, and I thank Congress for doubling the funding of the National [Socialist] Institutes of Health. (Applause.)

We save lives with one hand and destroy them with the other. How poetic is that?

To build a culture of life, we must also ensure that scientific advances always serve human dignity, not take advantage of some lives for the benefit of others. (Applause.) We should all be able to agree (applause) — we should all be able to agree on some clear standards. I will work with Congress to ensure that human embryos are not created for experimentation or grown for body parts, and that human life is never bought or sold as a commodity. (Applause.)

Just throw the pro-lifers a sop, and they won't make a peep about machine-gunned Iraqi children! This job is even easier than I thought.

America will continue to lead the world in medical research that is ambitious, aggressive and always ethical. [My next sentence may not seem to follow, but they told me what I'm really referring to here is those stem-cellphones and the rest of that complicated science stuff the government is in charge of:] Because courts must always deliver impartial justice, judges have a duty to faithfully interpret the law, not legislate from the bench. [Except if they're legislating what the Republicans want.] (Applause.)

As president, I have a constitutional responsibility to nominate men and women who understand the role of courts in our democracy and are well qualified to serve on the bench, and I have done so. (Applause.)

The role of the courts in our democracy is to rubber-stamp denial of habeas corpus, imprisonment without trial, arbitrary arrest, searches without warrants, torture, and anything else I decree, and I'm going to pack the courts so I get what I want.

The Constitution also gives the Senate a responsibility: Every judicial nominee deserves an up-or-down vote. (Cheers, applause.)

I'm really getting tired of the Democrats blocking my nominations.

Because one of the deepest values of our country is compassion, we must never turn away from any citizen who feels isolated from the opportunities of America. Our government will continue to support faith-based and community groups that bring hope to harsh places.

We're going to give money to our right-wing friends instead of those annoying liberal bleeding hearts. What have they ever done for me?

Now we need to focus on giving young people, especially young [colored] men in our cities, better options than apathy, or gangs, or jail. Tonight I propose a three-year initiative to help organizations keep young people out of gangs, and show young men an ideal of manhood that respects women [no more of that "bee-aatch" stuff, now] and rejects violence. (Applause.)

Let's announce another throw-away "initiative" that makes it look as if we care about the poor.

Taking on gang life will be one part of a broader outreach to at-risk [left-wing social-service jargon — makes me sound respectable] youth which involves parents and pastors, coaches and community leaders, in programs ranging from literacy to sports. And I am proud that the leader of this nationwide effort will be our First Lady, Laura Bush. (Cheers, applause.)

With any luck, she can make us look good the same way Nancy Reagan did with that "Just Say No" anti-drug scam.

Because HIV/AIDS brings suffering and fear into so many lives, I ask you to reauthorize the Ryan White Act to encourage prevention, and provide care and treatment to the victims of that disease. And as we update this important law, we must focus our efforts on fellow citizens with the highest rates of new cases, African-American men and women. (Applause.)

What the hell. It's a no-cost way to make it look as if we really care.

Because one of the main sources of our national unity is our belief in equal justice, we need to make sure Americans of all races and backgrounds have confidence in the system that provides justice.

We must preserve the illusion that our courts are fair and honorable.

In America, we must make doubly sure no person is held to account for a crime he or she did not commit, so we are dramatically expanding the use of DNA evidence to prevent wrongful conviction. (Applause.)

We are dramatically expanding the use of DNA evidence so that, hopefully, we'll get everybody's DNA on file. Too bad we can't get people to accept having a Global Positioning System unit planted in their heads. Yet.

Soon I will send to Congress a proposal to fund special training for defense counsel in capital cases because people on trial for their lives must have competent lawyers by their side. (Applause.)

Except if I declare them Enemy Combatants. Then it's goodbye, Charlie.

Our third responsibility to future generations is to leave them an America that is safe from danger and protected by peace.

"Peace!" That's a good one. We will leave them an America that is impoverished, unfree, and the target of infuriated Muslim malcontents the world over. But hey, what have "future generations" ever done for me?

We will pass along to our children all the freedoms we enjoy; and chief among them is freedom from fear.

Freedom of association, freedom of expression, freedom from arbitrary search and seizure, the right to a fair and speedy trial — well, who really needs 'em, anyway?

In the three and a half years since September 11th, 2001, we've taken unprecedented actions to protect Americans. We've created a new department of government to defend our homeland, focused the FBI on preventing terrorism, begun to reform our intelligence agencies, broken up terror cells across the country, expanded research on defenses against biological and chemical attack, improved border security, and trained more than a half million first responders.

We've used 9/11 as an excuse to destroy all kinds of freedoms, pump more money into the secret police, and create a whole new incompetent bureaucracy. And we're getting away with it!

Police and firefighters, air marshals, researchers and so many others are working every day to make our homeland safer, and we thank them all. (Extended applause.)

Put in some verbiage about firefighters and cops. It worked for Giuliani.

Our nation, working with allies and friends, has also confronted the enemy abroad, with measures that are determined, successful and continuing. The al Qaeda terror network that attacked our country still has leaders, but many of its top commanders have been removed.

So, who remembers Osama bin Laden anymore? Just keep those triumphs from the Malabar Front coming.

There are still governments that sponsor and harbor terrorists, but their number has declined. There are still regimes seeking weapons of mass destruction, but no longer without attention and without consequence.

There are still regimes that the Israelis want destroyed, but we've got them in our sights.

Our country is still the target of terrorists who want to kill many and intimidate us all, and we will stay on the offensive against them until the fight is won. (Cheers, applause.)

We will stay on the offensive until we rule the world, and crush anyone who stands in our way!

Pursuing our enemies is a vital commitment of the war on terror, and I thank the Congress for providing our servicemen and -women with the resources they have needed. During this time of war, we must continue to support our military and give them the tools for victory. (Applause.)

We need billions more to flush down the Iraqi toilet.

Other nations around the globe have stood with us. [And fewer are standing with us all the time.] In Afghanistan, an international force is helping provide security. In Iraq, 28 countries have troops on the ground [and many are pulling them out, despite our threats], the United Nations and the European Union provided technical assistance for the elections, and NATO is leading a mission to help train Iraqi officers.

We're cooperating with 60 governments in the Proliferation Security Initiative to detect and stop the transit of dangerous materials. We're working closely with governments in Asia to convince North Korea to abandon its nuclear ambitions.

The North Koreans have a huge army, and they really know how to fight, so invasion's out of the question, and if we bomb them they might throw a nuke at Japan. Or even worse, at U.S. bases in South Korea or Okinawa!

Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, and nine other countries have captured or detained al Qaeda terrorists. In the next four years, my administration will continue to build the coalitions that will defeat the dangers of our time. (Applause.)

They'd better participate, or it will go hard for them when it comes time to parcel out the foreign and military aid.

In the long term, the peace we seek will only be achieved by eliminating the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder.

In the long term, all the ragheads are dead. Or at least naked on a leash.

If whole regions of the world remain in despair and grow in hatred, they will be the recruiting grounds for terror, and that terror will stalk America and other free nations for decades. [I can only hope!] The only force powerful enough to stop the rise of tyranny and terror, and replace hatred with hope, is the force of human freedom. (Cheers, applause.)

The only force powerful enough to stop people from determining their own destiny is our tyranny and terror.

Our enemies know this, and that is why the terrorist Zarqawi [the latest Designated Hitler] recently declared war on what he called the "evil principle" of democracy. [See, Democracy is good! It's good!] And we've declared our own intention: America will stand with the allies of freedom to support democratic movements in the Middle East and beyond, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world. (Applause.)

We're gonna pour lots of CIA, AID, and National Endowment for Democracy money into front groups to act as fifth columns, as we did in Ukraine and Georgia, to stir up trouble and bring down regimes that don't toe the line.

The United States has no right, no desire and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else.

We don't care what they do to their own people, as long as they do what we tell them and let us establish bases on their soil.

That is one (applause) — that is one of the main differences between us and our enemies.

Ignorance is strength! Freedom is slavery!

They seek to impose and expand an empire of oppression, in which a tiny group of brutal, self-appointed rulers control every aspect of every life.

It's OK, though, if democratically elected rulers control every aspect of every life over here in the U.S. of A. 'Cause Democracy is good!

Our aim is to build and preserve a community of free and independent nations, with governments that answer to their citizens and reflect their own cultures.

Our aim is to build and preserve an empire of submissive puppet states, with a tiny group of brutal rulers, appointed by us, that answer to us and let us control every aspect of every life over there.

And because democracies respect their own people and their neighbors, the advance of freedom will lead to peace. (Applause.)

Take for example, our gallant ally Israel and their respectful and humane treatment of the Palestinians.

That advance has great momentum in our time, shown by women voting in Afghanistan [for a puppet regime] and Palestinians choosing a new direction [Yasser Arafat's dead, so we need a new scapegoat], and the people of Ukraine asserting their [our] democratic rights [arbitrary demands] and electing [with the help of massive U.S. interference] a president [whom we find acceptable, unlike their first choice]. We are witnessing landmark events in the history of liberty, and in the coming years, we will add to that story. (Cheers, applause.)

Fallujah's only the beginning. We're going to flatten whomever we want!

The beginnings of reform and democracy in the Palestinian territories are now showing the power of freedom to break old patterns of violence and failure. Tomorrow morning, Secretary of State Rice departs on a trip that will take her to Israel and the West Bank for meetings with Prime Minister Sharon and President Abbas. She will discuss with them how we and our friends can help the Palestinian people end terror and build the institutions of a peaceful, independent democratic state.

We're going to make a big show of a Middle East peace initiative, but it will be a sham designed to preserve the status quo. We'll do nothing to stop the Israeli state from stealing more and more Palestinian land, bulldozing Arab property, and shooting Arab children in the head. The only terror we recognize is non-Israeli terror and non-American terror.

To promote this democracy, I will ask Congress for $350 million to support Palestinian political, economic, and security reforms. The goal of two democratic states, Israel and Palestine, living side by side in peace is within reach — and America will help them achieve that goal. (Applause.)

Pigs will fly to the moon.

To promote peace and stability in the broader Middle East, the United States will work with our friends in the region to fight the common threat of terror, while we encourage a higher standard of freedom. Hopeful reform is already taking hold in an arc from Morocco to Jordan to Bahrain. The government of Saudi Arabia can demonstrate its leadership in the region by expanding the role of its people in determining their future. [We're putting a gun to their head, and cocking the trigger.] And the great and proud nation of Egypt, which showed the way toward peace in the Middle East, can now show the way toward democracy in the Middle East. [They'd better do what we want, or those billions we're paying them off with for "making peace" with Israel might disappear.] (Applause.)

To promote peace in the broader Middle East, we must confront regimes that continue to harbor terrorists and pursue weapons of mass murder.

To promote the untrammeled expansion of U.S. might, we must stomp anybody who looks at us sideways.

Syria still allows its territory, and parts of Lebanon, to be used by terrorists who seek to destroy every chance of peace in the region.

None of these "terrorists" have done anything to us, but they fight the Israelis, which we can't allow.

You have passed, and we are applying, the Syrian Accountability Act, and we expect the Syrian government to end all support for terror and open the door to freedom. (Applause.)

The Israelis want to subjugate Syria, so we expect the Syrians to knuckle under to us, or we'll bomb the hell out of them.

Today, Iran remains the world's primary state sponsor of terror, pursuing nuclear weapons while depriving its people of the freedom they seek and deserve. We are working with European allies to make clear to the Iranian regime that it must give up its uranium enrichment program and any plutonium reprocessing and end its support for terror. [No "safe, clean nuclear energy" for you!] And to the Iranian people, I say tonight: As you stand for your own liberty, America stands with you. (Cheers, applause.)

Do what we say, or we'll bomb the hell out of you, too.

Our generational commitment to the advance of freedom, especially in the Middle East, is now being tested and honored in Iraq. That country is a vital front in the war on terror, which is why the terrorists have chosen to make a stand there. Our men and women in uniform are fighting terrorists in Iraq so we do not have to face them here at home. (Applause.)

Our men and women in uniform are indiscriminately killing Iraqi civilians in their own country to make sure that we will have to face terrorism at home, thus justifying the expansion of domestic state power. Elegant, huh? Wish I'd thought it all up!

The victory of freedom in Iraq will strengthen a new ally in the war on terror, inspire democratic reformers from Damascus to Tehran, bring more hope and progress to a troubled region, and thereby lift a terrible threat from the lives of our children and grandchildren.

The destruction of the Iraqi people will give us a captive ally in the war on Islam, and a base from which to terrorize and destabilize regimes from Damascus to Tehran, thereby bringing more chaos to a troubled region and nurturing a terrible threat to the lives of our children and grandchildren. But I'm looking forward to a luxurious retirement!

We will succeed because the Iraqi people value their own liberty — as they showed the world last Sunday. [Actually, they voted because they thought that the United States would leave after an elected Iraqi government is established. [5] Fat chance!] (Cheers, applause.) Across Iraq, often at great risk, millions of citizens went to the polls and elected 275 men and women to represent them in a new Transitional National Assembly. A young woman in Baghdad told of waking to the sound of mortar fire on election day and wondering if it might be too dangerous to vote. She said, "Hearing those explosions, it occurred to me: the insurgents are weak, they are afraid of democracy, they are losing. So I got my husband and I got my parents, and we all came out and voted together."

Americans will believe anything, won't they?

Americans recognize that spirit of liberty, because we share it. In any nation, casting your vote is an act of civic responsibility. ["Responsibility"! A-heh a-heh a-heh.] For millions of Iraqis, it was also an act of personal courage, and they have earned the respect of us all. (Applause.)

Not enough respect to allow them to run their own affairs, however.

One of Iraq's leading democracy and human rights advocates [tame U.S. shills] is Safia Taleb al-Suhail. She says of her country, "We were occupied for 35 years by Saddam Hussein. That was the real occupation. Thank you to the American people who paid the cost [6], but most of all to the soldiers." Eleven years ago, Safia's father was assassinated by Saddam's intelligence service. Three days ago in Baghdad, Safia was finally able to vote for the leaders of her country. And we are honored that she is with us tonight. (Extended cheers and applause.)

See? Not all the Iraqis hate our guts!

The terrorists and insurgents are violently opposed to democracy [arbitrary rule by foreigners], and will continue to attack it. Yet the terrorists' most powerful myth is being destroyed. The whole world is seeing that the car bombers and assassins are not only fighting coalition forces, they are trying to destroy the hopes of Iraqis, expressed in free elections. And the whole world now knows that a small group of extremists will not overturn the will of the Iraqi people. (Cheers, applause.)

We're getting our butts kicked in Iraq, but we have to put a good face on it.

We will succeed in Iraq because Iraqis are determined to fight for their own freedom and to write their own history. [Thank you, Dr. Goebbels!] As Prime Minister Allawi said in his speech to Congress last September, "Ordinary Iraqis are anxious" to "shoulder all the security burdens of our country as quickly as possible." [We need more Iraqi cops and soldiers to keep our own casualty rate down.] This is the natural desire of an independent nation, and it also is the stated mission of our coalition in Iraq.

The new political situation in Iraq opens a new phase of our work in that country. At the recommendation of our commanders on the ground, and in consultation with the Iraqi government, we will increasingly focus our efforts on helping prepare more capable Iraqi security forces, forces with skilled officers and an effective command structure.

At the recommendation of our commanders on the ground, our troops are trying to keep their heads down and let the Iraqi troops get killed instead.

As those forces become more self-reliant and take on greater security responsibilities, America and its coalition partners will increasingly be in a supporting role. In the end, Iraqis must be able to defend their own country — and we will help that proud, new nation secure its liberty.

In the end, Iraq will be an obedient vassal state, and its own troops will be used to put down any dissent.

Recently, an Iraqi interpreter said to a reporter, "Tell America not to abandon us." He and all Iraqis can be certain: While our military strategy is adapting to circumstances, our commitment remains firm and unchanging.

While we have no effective strategy for dealing with the increasing power of the resistance, we aren't pulling out, because I'm too stubborn.

We are standing for the freedom of our Iraqi friends, and freedom in Iraq will make America safer for generations to come. (Cheers, applause.)

We've got lots of collaborators and quislings. Anyway, I don't care how many U.S. soldiers the resistance kills, I'm not going to budge an inch!

We will not set an artificial timetable for leaving Iraq because that would embolden the terrorists and make them believe they can wait us out.

We are never going to leave Iraq if I can help it.

We are in Iraq to achieve a result: a country that is democratic, representative of all its people, at peace with its neighbors, and able to defend itself.

We are in Iraq to achieve a result: a country that is beaten, prostrate, dependent, does what we tell it, and will never pose a threat to Israel.

And when that result is achieved, our men and women serving in Iraq will return home with the honor they have earned. (Applause.)

"Peace with Honor!"

Right now, Americans in uniform are serving at posts across the world, often taking great risks, on my orders. [My orders. I'm the president now! Take that, Poppy!] We have given them training and equipment [not enough flak jackets or armor on their Humvees, but never mind] , and they have given us an example of idealism and character that makes every American proud. [Just looking at those photos of Iraqi kids getting sodomized and tortured makes me feel great for the rest of the day.] (Applause.) The volunteers of our military are unrelenting in battle [they don't care whom they kill], unwavering in loyalty ["We're Number One! We're Number One!"] , unmatched in honor and decency [Note: words fail me here — DTW] , and every day they are making our nation more secure. [That's why we had to move anti-aircraft missile batteries into Trantor and shut down the city for my second coronation.]

Some of our servicemen and women have survived terrible injuries, and this grateful nation will do everything we can to help them recover. (Applause.)

This grateful nation will patch 'em up, stick state-of-the-art prosthetics on them, and then leave them to the mercy of the streets and an uncaring VA. We'll be seeing them hobbling around stoned on drugs and cheap wine, panhandling, and sleeping on grates for the next 40 years.

And we have said farewell to some very good men and women, who died for our freedom and whose memory this nation will honor forever.

OK, here we want to lay it on really thick.

One name we honor is Marine Corps Sergeant Byron Norwood of Pflugerville, Texas, who was killed during the assault on Fallujah. His mom, Janet, sent me a letter and told me how much Byron loved being a Marine and how proud he was to be on the front line against terror. She wrote, "When Byron was home the last time, I said that I wanted to protect him, like I had since he was born. He just hugged me and said, 'You've done your job, Mom. Now it is my turn to protect you.'" [We'll have the whole house wiping away tears. And we didn't even have to make it up!] Ladies and gentlemen, with grateful hearts, we honor freedom's defenders and our military families, represented here this evening by Sergeant Norwood's mom and dad, Janet and Bill Norwood. (Extended applause and cheers.)

Get the P.R. guys to bring in some brain-dead, salt-of-the-Earth bereaved parents so I can look compassionate. And make sure they're nice and docile.

In these four years, Americans have seen the unfolding of large events.

Blah, blah, blah.

We have known times of sorrow and hours of uncertainty and days of victory. In all this history, even when we have disagreed, we have seen threads of purpose that unite us.

Get with the program, or I'll declare you an enemy combatant and ship you off to Cuba.

The attack on freedom in our world has reaffirmed our confidence in freedom's power to change the world.

9/11 gave me the chance to change the world.

We are all part of a great venture: to extend the promise of freedom in our country, to renew the values that sustain our liberty, and to spread the peace that freedom brings.

We are all part of a great venture: to extend the promise of centralized authority in our country, to finish destroying the Constitution, and to spread the peace that death brings to all who stand in our way.

As Franklin Roosevelt once reminded Americans, "Each age is a dream that is dying, or one that is coming to birth."

Put in some noble-sounding Roosevelt quote here. Everyone worships Roosevelt.

And we live in the country where the biggest dreams are born. The abolition of slavery was only a dream, until it was fulfilled.

With any luck, I can kill more people than Lincoln!

The liberation of Europe from fascism was only a dream — until it was achieved. The fall of imperial communism was only a dream — until one day it was accomplished.

The dream of establishing national socialism here at home is right on schedule!

Our generation has dreams of its own, and we also go forward with confidence. The road of Providence is uneven and unpredictable — yet we know where it leads: It leads to freedom.

I have no idea what this means, but it sounds hifalutin, and that's all that matters.

Thank you, and may God bless America. (Cheers, applause [from the assembled cretins and sociopaths].)

Boy, it's great to be president! A-heh a-heh a-heh.
I wonder if Laura saved any of those pigs-in-a-blanket for me?

February 10, 2005

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(In all the notes, Mr. Wright is speaking in his own voice, not in that of the Chimp.)

1. Keep running, kids! Don't look back!
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2. So, what's not to like?
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3. Note the "noes" from the Democrats. Even if the numbers Bush is quoting are false, as they probably are, it is patently obvious that the Social Security system is fundamentally unsound, and headed for a crash. The cataclysm will come after the number of beneficiaries expands so that the system begins cashing its government bonds.
Those bonds are the means by which Social Security withholdings are translated into general revenues used for current Empire expenditures: the Social Security "trust fund" buys the bonds from the Empire using your Social Security taxes, thus giving the Empire your money that is supposed to be saved for when you need it.
The bonds are IOUs that will have to be redeemed when Social Security begins paying out more money than it takes in. At that time, instead of Social Security withholdings being used to pay for general expenditures, as they are now, the situation will be reversed. Not only will the Empire no longer have that huge source of funds but also general revenues will have to be cannibalized to pay off the bonds so that there's enough to pay all the people sucking on the SS teat.
There will then develop an enormous squeeze that can only be dealt with using much higher taxes and/or by huge deficits and a madly inflating dollar — probably both. The result will be a) economic catastrophe, as the huge burden on the taxpayers causes a massive reduction in economic activity; b) default on Social Security payments, which will result in millions of oldsters with no savings begging and rooting around in dumpsters for their next meal; and/or c) open rebellion on the part of working taxpayers, many of whom will be immigrants or the children of immigrants who won't see why they should have to suffer so a bunch of blacks and Euro-Americans can have comfortable retirements.
The only real question is when the crash will happen, and a lot of Americans seem to be at least dimly aware of that. And yet the Democrats think they can get away with simply denying it and saying everything is hunky-dory. Can they?
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4. Have you noticed that Clinton is no longer criticizable by Giant Government Republicans?
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5. See a report by Dahr Jamail, a U.S. subject who reports from outside the Green Zone in Iraq, posted at http://dahrjamailiraq.com/weblog/archives/dispatches/0001 93.php#more.
Jamail writes: "Every Iraqi I have spoken with who voted explained that they believe the National Assembly which will be formed soon will signal an end to the occupation."
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6. In honest English: ... who were forced and are being forced to pay the cost. You're very not welcome, lady.
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